I’m addicted to Facebook, I scroll through my newsfeed constantly, just seeing what’s new, what people are up to ect. BUT…. It never fails to bring out some rage directed a select portion of the human population. Here is my compiled list of people that need to be stopped vs the ones who can stay.
STOP! GYM CUNTS!
Herbal life pushers, before and after pictures, gym selfies and diet mantras, we don’t want it. Marvellous for you that you can actually dedicate your life to going to the gym but when I’m perusing the book whilst eating a plate of breaded chicken skin, you make me feel fat and guilty. So guilty that I only have three magnum ice-creams for pudding and throw the fourth one in the bin whilst crying; that’s the kind of negativity I don’t need in my life.
I need Cerise! Cerise is everything a Facebook stalk should be. She takes 100 ‘sexy’ selfies a day with her child always in the background, a sexy holding a fagg stance, me and ma wkd bottle ect and people adorn her pictures with the likes of ‘u ma sxy gal.’ Also her status’ will always have a ‘lol’ included regardless of subject matter eg ‘having a cup of tea lol’ or ‘can’t be bothered to get up today lol, might stay in bed lol.’ She is my go to stalk when I need cheering up.
STOP! THE GIRL WHO LIKES ALL OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS THINGS!
Every girlfriend knows this girl, you’ve never met her, but she seems to be like a giant spread of thrush all over your other halfs Facebook page. For this reason alone, you hate her and you assume she is the biggest slut of slutsville, you have stalked her Facebook, you tutt and throw your arms up in dismay at every like she performs on your boyfriend status. Then you enquire, ‘dearheart, whom is this girl who appears to like everything you do… a family member? (please be a family member)’, ‘oh, just some girl, why?’ ‘oh nothing in particular, she seems sweet (I just want to rip her throat out with my bare hands).’ Reality- she’s probably a nice girl with a social media problem who can’t stop liking all the things…. but in your mind… she’s the devil.
STAY- PUBLIC ARGUMENTS!
Keep them coming, it’s brilliant. It’s what I love most about Facebook, knowing what’s going on in your lives. For example ‘Looks like Chantelles been a slag again and got preggers by some next man,’ ‘You’re dead to me Shane, if you can’t even be bothered to bring your own daughter a card on her name day… fuck you…. fuck you shane…. ‘ and ‘Someone needs to sort their life out, because someone is a two faced cunt’ and then ‘someone’ replies….. ooooohhhhhh it’s better than tv I love it. Keep that shit up.
STOP- BORING ME!
We all have this friend ‘got up about 6am, did all the housework. Should probably treat myself to a cup of tea as the weather doesn’t seem to know what its doing with itself’ Cool story, can you tell it again? … maybe in a year with TimeHop (don’t get me started, you weren’t interesting then, you’re still not).
STAY- FACEBOOK SLAGS!
I love Facebook slags, you know the ones who post pictures of themselves crouching in a doorway with a bit of labia poking out the side of their knickers, that you can see because their dress is so short. They remind me everyday of the sort of person I don’t want to be.
It’s ok to have a Facebook rant once in a while, but you know those people who come across like the world is dragging their miserable faces towards it’s core with everything that could possibly go wrong in the world ever. It starts off with the daily struggles of life, that get them down, like ‘brilliant, I’ve lost my shoe… isn’t that just my luck… when is my luck going to change… why is it always me?’ Followed with a ‘Found my shoe, but doesn’t change the fact that I’m ugly and am the black sheep of my family.’ Oh so, that took a turn ermmm… try not to like the status…. Ensue, with the hords of ‘ur beautiful babez ne1 hu finks different aint worth worryin bout. chin up my gawjus.’
Selfies can stay, I love them. Baby pics too, I hate children but I like my friends and families ones so they can have free rein on my news feed. Anyone from school that I need to see what they are doing these days, anything hilarious- you share that shit, brilliant news and milestones.
Ex’s can leave my feed, Facebook is not real, your competition of who is having the better life won’t wash, because I don’t care… laters. work moaners… yep we all have jobs, yep we all sometimes don’t want to go but please shut up, wuu2, like for rate, like if you hate whatever… ignore if you don’t care and lastly anyone who has their occupation as full time milf or yummy mummy… cunt off.