Happy Halloween, Oh you’ve come as Prostitute


As darkness creeps over the land, for one night the undead return to life to terrify the living. Is was Halloween night, when out out the darkness appeared…… oh a girl in her underwear, backcombed hair and some cat ears, cool. Why oh why, does halloween bring out so much slut? I know I’m supposed to know the slut rule, thanks to Mean Girls, but what does dressing up as a slutty nurse with breasts bulging out the top and visible labia hanging out the bottom have to do with halloween.  Oh wait, add a little bit of fake blood on the lip… BOSH, HALLOWEEN SLUTTY NURSE! I enjoy when girls add a little creativity to their outfit, play with their make up, be sexy even, but we don’t need to walk into a pub and see everyones gunt. Vampires can be sexy yes, sexy! But I haven’t read or seen many vampire books or films where they wear their finest Ann Summers lingerie out to seduce their victim.

We all know that horror of trying to enjoy a halloween cocktail but gagging every five minutes because the girl opposite is sat on a chair in a fishnet, tiny dress with flesh pouring through the holes, vagina most likely making a suction on the seat (I think I even made myself dry-heave a little then).

I’m not trying to girl-bash, but come on ladies you’re giving our gender a bad name. Why can’t you show off that you can be more than a pair of tits in a pleather dress which came in package entitled ‘sexy zombie’. I’m certain you come across as more interesting when you make the effort to be creative at halloween. This in no way means you have to de-sexualise yourself, infact there are so many beautiful, quirky, sexy halloween looks that you can try, that are simple too. I will link to some inspiration after, it’s just we don’t want to get a glimpse of your uterus every time you fall over screaming’ ah ma gawd i’mmmmm so drunk’ or have your nipple stab our arms when we walk past in a crowded bar.

Happy Halloween!

Personally, I think the broken doll look is incredible – http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliegerstein/33-totally-creepy-makeup-looks-to-try-this-halloween


‘Get yaaaaaa rat out’ and other such delights, that make women go wild for cat callers ;)


I don’t know about you, but I find nothing more attractive and complementary than a man yelling ‘nice tits’ or ‘I’m gunna fuck your ear hole’ from across the road. Seriously guys, turn down the charm it’s too arousing. How would we ever know if we are looking good, unless a suave young dude saunters past and comments ‘she’d get it’? ‘Who me? I’d get it? Oh stop it you, that just put a spring in my step until next Summer. Thank you sir.’

Sorry let’s just skip back to reality. Guys, why do you feel the need to say things to women who pass you in the street? Do you think you are being charming, a bit of a lad perhaps? Let me tell you what goes through our brains when you do this. We find you repugnant! We are embarrassed for you, we think you’re desperate and cocky. You are not the kind of men we find attractive, you are not a LAD, you are a poor-excuse for a man trying to exert some kind of power over a woman walking down the street and making her feel threatened NOT COMPLEMENTED. You really are giving your gender a bad name, because there are 1000 nice gentlemen who would never catcall a woman on the street to the scabby 50 that that do.

I was once walking home, and there were two young pretty girls walking ahead of me, when two guys walked past and said ‘you’ve got nice tits, get em out’ to them. My heart sank, the poor girls couldn’t even walk down the street in a nice dress without being shouted at. But, to my dismay one of the girls called out ‘buy Nuts magazine next week, my tits are in them babe.’ Great… that’s just great. So, are these women encouraging these vile men? Do these guys catcall the female population because for every 100 dirty looks they get, one might turn around and respond with gratitude?

My ex used to tell me that it was flattering and I should feel complimented as they wouldn’t do it if I was ugly. Sure. I feel so humble when you tell me ‘I’m going to smash your pasty.’ That’s not intimidating at all. What great banter I’m having with these two chavy strangers in this alley. Cheers lads!

The problem is, these men are not doing it to express their desire to ‘smash your back door in’, they do it for power. They like feeling in control and the feeling of empowerment they believe they are getting. Which is why they switch when you respond badly or just ignore them. I give a disgusted look, so they know I don’t think it’s ok to talk to me like that. It has been meet with a variety of responses for example, a delightful scaffolder geezer shouted ‘oi sexy blue head’ at me I gave a dirty look he responded with ‘I hope you get run over by a car, you tramp.’ Another instance, I gave a repulsed look to a man who had just told me, he would fuck me any night of the week, of which he retorted with ‘fucking look at you, you sket, don’t look at me like that you ugly cunt.’ Such a keeper, someone pass me a condom. This is the kind of response you can expect when a dimwit’s power is challenged or not encouraged.

I wish I was brave enough to ask why these select few men feel like need to shout things at girls/women, why they feel the need to intimidate them, why they feel the need to drag down the reputation of the many many gentlemen out there?

To these certain idiots, do us all a favour and just shut the fuck up. Keep your comments to yourself, don’t tell us to ‘smile’ or ‘cheer up’ just shut the fuck up and go and read a book.

Sincerely all the women (except Nuts boobs girl) and ALL THE GENTLEMEN.


When you’re from a small town


So I grew up in a very small town, where everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know everything about you. I have compiled a list of some stereotypical aspects of living in a tiny town.

1. Small towns have fewer people, so that one good looking guy/girl gets hailed as an unattainable beauty whose name becomes immortalized and treasured as the fittest person in [insert town here]. Everyone knows their name and if per chance you manage to pull this creature, you will be met by a round of cheers in that one local pub that you all go to. If you go out with this person you will be met with ‘she can do so much better’, ‘why does he like her, she’s a sket’ or a more friendly ‘lucky sod.’

2. That one local pub! Everyone goes to this pub! All day, everyday same place, same time. Same night out, same faces, same goings on. The barmaid knows what you want and it’s on your favourite place at the bar before you’ve even plonked yourself down.

3. So you meet a girl and you really like her (you met at that one club bar in town), you start talking. Your conversation naturally turns to working out how many of the same people you know, then you work out five of your mates have already dipped their willies in her. Annoying yes, but you’ve already popped your sausage in her sister, her cousin and three of her mates, so you decide to date her anyway. It’s pretty hard to find a S.O in a small town that hasn’t been with at least someone you already know.

4. People dress the same. It’s not their fault! It’s because your town has approx one fashion store and you all have to buy your clobber from there. I’ve just moved to a new small town where most people seem to buy their garbs from the Saturday chav market – think neon, leggings and hats with SIIIIIICCK written on them.

5. The family name!!!!!! No matter what small town it is! They have a hard-family name that gets thrown around when people need get out of bother. ‘If you hit me yeah, I’ll get one of the [insert hard-family name here] to sort you out. If I went up to someone in London and said ‘I’m a Babbage mate’ they would pat my head and say ‘good for you poppet’ – lies, they’ll barge me out of the way without a care in the world.

6. The town crazy! Cities like to ignore the weirdos, but small towns make them legends. They become local celebrities!

7. In small towns time appears to never pass. A girl can walk into a bar and then someone puts their head down says’oh shit it’s my ex,’ ‘oh mate, shall we leave?’ ‘Yeah I dated her for three weeks in year 10 and got with her mate, so she hates me.’ ‘Dude you’re fucking 30 now…. time to move on!’ On the subject of…. when towns are tiny, gossip is rife and time doesn’t lapse, you have to be careful not to get punched ten years after slipping your digits in someone elses bird.

8. On the flip side, living in a small town, means you actually make the most solid friendships that last forever and you spend your time in that one bar, slagging it and all inhabitants off insisting you are nothing like the others.

small town

If you wouldn’t mind getting over yourself


   I am all for girls feeling confident, knowing what they want and not settling for anything less than they deserve. However, there are a few human types that are increasingly getting on last nerve. These are the girls who have skipped past confidence, giving it the middle finger as they pass and settle down at incredibly conceited. These are the types of girls, who have men saved in their phone as ‘free dinner,’ believing that they are well within their right to treat guys like this because they should feel ‘lucky’ to even be in their company. What they don’t seem to understand is that, this level of arrogance is repulsive, you could be beautiful to look at, but your vanity makes you ugly. I know so many humble and visually stunning girls, who have no idea how attractive they are and it’s incredibly endearing. They have have nice personalities, they are funny, they are creative and people like to be around their beauty. 

 Unfortunately, I am surrounded by far too many girls, who believe that they are the centre of the universe and are upset when a daily sonnet written about their beauty isn’t thrown their way. These are the type of girls who update their statuses about ‘creepy’ men who have chatted them up, for example ‘eugh got chatted up (AGAIN) by someone in probably Primark clothes. Vom – feeling grossed out.’ A word of warning to these types of girl, your big-headedness is a turn-off. You will probably post one thousand of those ‘yes I’m single and it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to change that’ memes per day. In reality, you attract men that literally only want you for your looks and couldn’t give a shit about your personality and you ignore the incredible guys who would treat you like a queen because you feel that you’re too good for them. 

  So please stop #feelingfit #lookinggood #beauty #peng, you’re annoying, your brags will turn to ashes in your mouth….. couldn’t even stop that sentence from turning into a game of thrones quote then (wow… shake that off). Sorry about that. Where was I? Yes. STOP IT. You are not as amazing as you think you are, people talk about you (and not in a kind way), you’ve probably been called a ‘butter face’ behind your back on several occasions, there are millions of stunning girls on this planet, your face is not the inspiration for all the love songs and stop holding out for Ryan Gosling (he thinks you’re a prick). 

   But, also do remember girls, a bit of humility, kindness, honesty and a sweet smile shines through much prettier than a pouting, self-absorbed twat self-proclaiming how fit she is in this vagina skimming dress. 





Facebook Humans That Need to Stop and The Ones That Can Stay


I’m addicted to Facebook, I scroll through my newsfeed constantly, just seeing what’s new, what people are up to ect. BUT…. It never fails to bring out some rage directed a select portion of the human population. Here is my compiled list of people that need to be stopped vs the ones who can stay. 


Herbal life pushers, before and after pictures, gym selfies and diet mantras, we don’t want it. Marvellous for you that you can actually dedicate your life to going to the gym but when I’m perusing the book whilst eating a plate of breaded chicken skin, you make me feel fat and guilty. So guilty that I only have three magnum ice-creams for pudding and throw the fourth one in the bin whilst crying; that’s the kind of negativity I don’t need in my life.


I need Cerise! Cerise is everything a Facebook stalk should be. She takes 100 ‘sexy’ selfies a day with her child always in the background, a sexy holding a fagg stance, me and ma wkd bottle ect and people adorn her pictures with the likes of ‘u ma sxy gal.’ Also her status’ will always have a ‘lol’ included regardless of subject matter eg ‘having a cup of tea lol’ or ‘can’t be bothered to get up today lol, might stay in bed lol.’ She is my go to stalk when I need cheering up.


Every girlfriend knows this girl, you’ve never met her, but she seems to be like a giant spread of thrush all over your other halfs Facebook page. For this reason alone, you hate her and you assume she is the biggest slut of slutsville, you have stalked her Facebook, you tutt and throw your arms up in dismay at every like she performs on your boyfriend status. Then you enquire, ‘dearheart, whom is this girl who appears to like everything you do… a family member? (please be a family member)’, ‘oh, just some girl, why?’ ‘oh nothing in particular, she seems sweet (I just want to rip her throat out with my bare hands).’ Reality- she’s probably a nice girl with a social media problem who can’t stop liking all the things…. but in your mind… she’s the devil.


Keep them coming, it’s brilliant. It’s what I love most about Facebook, knowing what’s going on in your lives. For example ‘Looks like Chantelles been a slag again and got preggers by some next man,’ ‘You’re dead to me Shane, if you can’t even be bothered to bring your own daughter a card on her name day… fuck you…. fuck you shane…. ‘ and ‘Someone needs to sort their life out, because someone is a two faced cunt’ and then ‘someone’ replies….. ooooohhhhhh it’s better than tv I love it. Keep that shit up. 


We all have this friend ‘got up about 6am, did all the housework. Should probably treat myself to a cup of tea as the weather doesn’t seem to know what its doing with itself’ Cool story, can you tell it again? … maybe in a year with TimeHop (don’t get me started, you weren’t interesting then, you’re still not).


I love Facebook slags, you know the ones who post pictures of themselves crouching in a doorway with a bit of labia poking out the side of their knickers, that you can see because their dress is so short. They remind me everyday of the sort of person I don’t want to be. 


It’s ok to have a Facebook rant once in a while, but you know those people who come across like the world is dragging their miserable faces towards it’s core with everything that could possibly go wrong in the world ever. It starts off with the daily struggles of life, that get them down, like ‘brilliant, I’ve lost my shoe… isn’t that just my luck… when is my luck going to change… why is it always me?’ Followed with a ‘Found my shoe, but doesn’t change the fact that I’m ugly and am the black sheep of my family.’ Oh so, that took a turn ermmm… try not to like the status…. Ensue, with the hords of ‘ur beautiful babez ne1 hu finks different aint worth worryin bout. chin up my gawjus.’ 


Selfies can stay, I love them. Baby pics too, I hate children but I like my friends and families ones so they can have free rein on my news feed. Anyone from school that I need to see what they are doing these days, anything hilarious- you share that shit, brilliant news and milestones.


Ex’s can leave my feed, Facebook is not real, your competition of who is having the better life won’t wash, because I don’t care… laters. work moaners… yep we all have jobs, yep we all sometimes don’t want to go but please shut up, wuu2, like for rate, like if you hate whatever… ignore if you don’t care and lastly anyone who has their occupation as full time milf or yummy mummy… cunt off. 



facebook blog

I Hate the sunshine… please don’t set me on fire


I may well be in a rather small minority here, but I would like to share with you a few reasons why I fucking hate the hot weather. 

1. Hayfever – I spend most of my summer days blowing warm snot into a thousand crumpled bits of loo roll. The entrance to my nose holes always looks like tiger bread. I sneeze past my ‘bless-you’ limit, to the point where it just looks attention-seeking. My eyes are always watery and itchy, therefore my make-up is streaming or rubbed-off around my face. So,whilst other people tend to look like goddesses in the sunlight, I,  unfortunately look like a snotty sloth from the Goonies, sneezing on other peoples bbq’s. 

2. I don’t tan I burn. You know those people who sit in the sun all day trying to build their tan up, and go a lovely bronzed shade. Yeah well pale people can’t do that. One day in the sun with factor 50 on and this is me! 

Image I say ‘pasty is tasty’ as defense mechanism, I have no choice, I am either pale or scabby and red. 


3. I love being naked… you know in the comfort of my own home.. maybe a cheeky little walk past the window. But, not in public. I feel naked in the summer. I feel like everyone else is naked, I just feel uncomfortable, it’s not sexy, you know what’s sexy? Layers are sexy… hmmmm layers. It’s just so exposing isn’t it. Also, my eyeballs have to take in the masses of humans who feel the need to dress like strippers in the sunshine. Tiny shorts with a bit of baggy bum hanging out the bottom, maybe a crop top to let your sag tum flow in the breeze. I get that girls want to be more naked in the summer, but pleeeeease dress accordingly to your size, no-one wants to witness your denim short shorts getting eaten into your arse. Then there is the ever-pleasant shirtless man, nothing screams sex appeal like a beer belly, lacoste tee tucked into trackie pocket and revealing that lovely tribal tattoo adorning your chest. One of these ‘types’ walked past me once and exclaimed ‘she likes what she sees’ and then winked at me. I mean the repugnance of it all. I have never felt so dirty in all my life, it would take a thousand showers to wash that comment away. 

4. Children. They’re everywhere in the summer. Getting ice-cream on everything, screaming, being there… just everywhere!

5. The sun is is out! We MUST socialise immediately! Quick get to the beer garden, be in the company of others just to sit in the sun and drink fruit flavoured ciders. Er, no you’re alright thanks. I am uncomfortable…. the sun is making me uncomfortable, the sight of your flesh is making me uncomfortable and I would rather sit in the shade, clothed, reading a book, drinking wine… thanks… you’re more than welcome to join.

So, these are my main reasons for hating on Summer. Sorry! Must apply 10 million layers of sunscreen to my skin now. 

What the fuck happened to sisterhood?


So, this isn’t a why can’t we all just love each other, paint rainbows and braid each others pubic hair kind of post. I’m getting rather irked at the lack of solidarity between women. All you see and hear about these days is girls bitching and tearing down their gender. I saw a Facebook page called ‘I don’t understand why guys cheat on pretty girls’  how about, it’s bad cheating on any girl regardless of what she looks like?  If you go onto the SuicideGirls Instagram which is renowned for celebrating alternative beauty, it is bombarded daily by girls picking on the slightest thing to bring that girl down, ‘she has fucked up eyebrows’, ‘she’s too fat’, ‘she’s got no boobs.’ How do you think this girl feels when she reads them? Why do you feel the need to say something horrible about her? Is it the security of being behind a computer screen? If you saw her in the street, would you walk up to her and say ‘excuse me but why do you look like an aborted foetus?’ No you wouldn’t!

My second issue is girls flirting with guys when they know they have a girlfriend. I’m assuming it’s an ego thing or an insecurity issue or they are just being a cunt. Sending slutty snapchats of yourself to a guy,  flirty Facebook messages or asking them ‘if your boobs look too big’ in that one-sized too small slut container dress. It doesn’t achieve anything and you make yourself look tacky and desperate. And so what if they guy flirts back with you, what do you actually achieve? I mean you haven’t won anything, you just got spoken to like a spunk dump for 5-minutes by a guy who clearly isn’t worth any girls time, if they feel the need to flirt with you whilst they’re girlfriends are oblivious.

Girls need to be nicer to each other, we all need to be nicer to each other regardless of what genitals we have. But come on girls, men are not our prize. If they need to be fought for, they are not worth it. Let’s not tell someone they’re fat to make ourselves feel thin. I was born with this face, it’s not great but I was born with it so i’m going to make the most of it. But over the years I’ve been told I’m goofy, my gums are bigger than the eiffel tower, I’m fat and my face is wonky – all by girls! I cannot help that I look like this, so sending nasty messages online (always online never in person obviously) won’t change that. How about instead of pointing out the worst in people, we look and comment what’s so great about them?

Now let’s bake a fucking cake and do a group hug ladies.