If you wouldn’t mind getting over yourself

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   I am all for girls feeling confident, knowing what they want and not settling for anything less than they deserve. However, there are a few human types that are increasingly getting on last nerve. These are the girls who have skipped past confidence, giving it the middle finger as they pass and settle down at incredibly conceited. These are the types of girls, who have men saved in their phone as ‘free dinner,’ believing that they are well within their right to treat guys like this because they should feel ‘lucky’ to even be in their company. What they don’t seem to understand is that, this level of arrogance is repulsive, you could be beautiful to look at, but your vanity makes you ugly. I know so many humble and visually stunning girls, who have no idea how attractive they are and it’s incredibly endearing. They have have nice personalities, they are funny, they are creative and people like to be around their beauty. 

 Unfortunately, I am surrounded by far too many girls, who believe that they are the centre of the universe and are upset when a daily sonnet written about their beauty isn’t thrown their way. These are the type of girls who update their statuses about ‘creepy’ men who have chatted them up, for example ‘eugh got chatted up (AGAIN) by someone in probably Primark clothes. Vom – feeling grossed out.’ A word of warning to these types of girl, your big-headedness is a turn-off. You will probably post one thousand of those ‘yes I’m single and it’s going to take someone pretty amazing to change that’ memes per day. In reality, you attract men that literally only want you for your looks and couldn’t give a shit about your personality and you ignore the incredible guys who would treat you like a queen because you feel that you’re too good for them. 

  So please stop #feelingfit #lookinggood #beauty #peng, you’re annoying, your brags will turn to ashes in your mouth….. couldn’t even stop that sentence from turning into a game of thrones quote then (wow… shake that off). Sorry about that. Where was I? Yes. STOP IT. You are not as amazing as you think you are, people talk about you (and not in a kind way), you’ve probably been called a ‘butter face’ behind your back on several occasions, there are millions of stunning girls on this planet, your face is not the inspiration for all the love songs and stop holding out for Ryan Gosling (he thinks you’re a prick). 

   But, also do remember girls, a bit of humility, kindness, honesty and a sweet smile shines through much prettier than a pouting, self-absorbed twat self-proclaiming how fit she is in this vagina skimming dress. 

 

 

 

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Facebook Humans That Need to Stop and The Ones That Can Stay

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I’m addicted to Facebook, I scroll through my newsfeed constantly, just seeing what’s new, what people are up to ect. BUT…. It never fails to bring out some rage directed a select portion of the human population. Here is my compiled list of people that need to be stopped vs the ones who can stay. 

STOP! GYM CUNTS!

Herbal life pushers, before and after pictures, gym selfies and diet mantras, we don’t want it. Marvellous for you that you can actually dedicate your life to going to the gym but when I’m perusing the book whilst eating a plate of breaded chicken skin, you make me feel fat and guilty. So guilty that I only have three magnum ice-creams for pudding and throw the fourth one in the bin whilst crying; that’s the kind of negativity I don’t need in my life.

STAY! CERISE!

I need Cerise! Cerise is everything a Facebook stalk should be. She takes 100 ‘sexy’ selfies a day with her child always in the background, a sexy holding a fagg stance, me and ma wkd bottle ect and people adorn her pictures with the likes of ‘u ma sxy gal.’ Also her status’ will always have a ‘lol’ included regardless of subject matter eg ‘having a cup of tea lol’ or ‘can’t be bothered to get up today lol, might stay in bed lol.’ She is my go to stalk when I need cheering up.

STOP! THE GIRL WHO LIKES ALL OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS THINGS!

Every girlfriend knows this girl, you’ve never met her, but she seems to be like a giant spread of thrush all over your other halfs Facebook page. For this reason alone, you hate her and you assume she is the biggest slut of slutsville, you have stalked her Facebook, you tutt and throw your arms up in dismay at every like she performs on your boyfriend status. Then you enquire, ‘dearheart, whom is this girl who appears to like everything you do… a family member? (please be a family member)’, ‘oh, just some girl, why?’ ‘oh nothing in particular, she seems sweet (I just want to rip her throat out with my bare hands).’ Reality- she’s probably a nice girl with a social media problem who can’t stop liking all the things…. but in your mind… she’s the devil.

STAY- PUBLIC ARGUMENTS!

Keep them coming, it’s brilliant. It’s what I love most about Facebook, knowing what’s going on in your lives. For example ‘Looks like Chantelles been a slag again and got preggers by some next man,’ ‘You’re dead to me Shane, if you can’t even be bothered to bring your own daughter a card on her name day… fuck you…. fuck you shane…. ‘ and ‘Someone needs to sort their life out, because someone is a two faced cunt’ and then ‘someone’ replies….. ooooohhhhhh it’s better than tv I love it. Keep that shit up. 

STOP- BORING ME!

We all have this friend ‘got up about 6am, did all the housework. Should probably treat myself to a cup of tea as the weather doesn’t seem to know what its doing with itself’ Cool story, can you tell it again? … maybe in a year with TimeHop (don’t get me started, you weren’t interesting then, you’re still not).

STAY- FACEBOOK SLAGS!

I love Facebook slags, you know the ones who post pictures of themselves crouching in a doorway with a bit of labia poking out the side of their knickers, that you can see because their dress is so short. They remind me everyday of the sort of person I don’t want to be. 

STOP! WHINGING!

It’s ok to have a Facebook rant once in a while, but you know those people who come across like the world is dragging their miserable faces towards it’s core with everything that could possibly go wrong in the world ever. It starts off with the daily struggles of life, that get them down, like ‘brilliant, I’ve lost my shoe… isn’t that just my luck… when is my luck going to change… why is it always me?’ Followed with a ‘Found my shoe, but doesn’t change the fact that I’m ugly and am the black sheep of my family.’ Oh so, that took a turn ermmm… try not to like the status…. Ensue, with the hords of ‘ur beautiful babez ne1 hu finks different aint worth worryin bout. chin up my gawjus.’ 

STAY! MISC!

Selfies can stay, I love them. Baby pics too, I hate children but I like my friends and families ones so they can have free rein on my news feed. Anyone from school that I need to see what they are doing these days, anything hilarious- you share that shit, brilliant news and milestones.

STOP- MISC

Ex’s can leave my feed, Facebook is not real, your competition of who is having the better life won’t wash, because I don’t care… laters. work moaners… yep we all have jobs, yep we all sometimes don’t want to go but please shut up, wuu2, like for rate, like if you hate whatever… ignore if you don’t care and lastly anyone who has their occupation as full time milf or yummy mummy… cunt off. 

 

 

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I Hate the sunshine… please don’t set me on fire

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I may well be in a rather small minority here, but I would like to share with you a few reasons why I fucking hate the hot weather. 

1. Hayfever – I spend most of my summer days blowing warm snot into a thousand crumpled bits of loo roll. The entrance to my nose holes always looks like tiger bread. I sneeze past my ‘bless-you’ limit, to the point where it just looks attention-seeking. My eyes are always watery and itchy, therefore my make-up is streaming or rubbed-off around my face. So,whilst other people tend to look like goddesses in the sunlight, I,  unfortunately look like a snotty sloth from the Goonies, sneezing on other peoples bbq’s. 

2. I don’t tan I burn. You know those people who sit in the sun all day trying to build their tan up, and go a lovely bronzed shade. Yeah well pale people can’t do that. One day in the sun with factor 50 on and this is me! 

Image I say ‘pasty is tasty’ as defense mechanism, I have no choice, I am either pale or scabby and red. 

 

3. I love being naked… you know in the comfort of my own home.. maybe a cheeky little walk past the window. But, not in public. I feel naked in the summer. I feel like everyone else is naked, I just feel uncomfortable, it’s not sexy, you know what’s sexy? Layers are sexy… hmmmm layers. It’s just so exposing isn’t it. Also, my eyeballs have to take in the masses of humans who feel the need to dress like strippers in the sunshine. Tiny shorts with a bit of baggy bum hanging out the bottom, maybe a crop top to let your sag tum flow in the breeze. I get that girls want to be more naked in the summer, but pleeeeease dress accordingly to your size, no-one wants to witness your denim short shorts getting eaten into your arse. Then there is the ever-pleasant shirtless man, nothing screams sex appeal like a beer belly, lacoste tee tucked into trackie pocket and revealing that lovely tribal tattoo adorning your chest. One of these ‘types’ walked past me once and exclaimed ‘she likes what she sees’ and then winked at me. I mean the repugnance of it all. I have never felt so dirty in all my life, it would take a thousand showers to wash that comment away. 

4. Children. They’re everywhere in the summer. Getting ice-cream on everything, screaming, being there… just everywhere!

5. The sun is is out! We MUST socialise immediately! Quick get to the beer garden, be in the company of others just to sit in the sun and drink fruit flavoured ciders. Er, no you’re alright thanks. I am uncomfortable…. the sun is making me uncomfortable, the sight of your flesh is making me uncomfortable and I would rather sit in the shade, clothed, reading a book, drinking wine… thanks… you’re more than welcome to join.

So, these are my main reasons for hating on Summer. Sorry! Must apply 10 million layers of sunscreen to my skin now. 

What the fuck happened to sisterhood?

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So, this isn’t a why can’t we all just love each other, paint rainbows and braid each others pubic hair kind of post. I’m getting rather irked at the lack of solidarity between women. All you see and hear about these days is girls bitching and tearing down their gender. I saw a Facebook page called ‘I don’t understand why guys cheat on pretty girls’  how about, it’s bad cheating on any girl regardless of what she looks like?  If you go onto the SuicideGirls Instagram which is renowned for celebrating alternative beauty, it is bombarded daily by girls picking on the slightest thing to bring that girl down, ‘she has fucked up eyebrows’, ‘she’s too fat’, ‘she’s got no boobs.’ How do you think this girl feels when she reads them? Why do you feel the need to say something horrible about her? Is it the security of being behind a computer screen? If you saw her in the street, would you walk up to her and say ‘excuse me but why do you look like an aborted foetus?’ No you wouldn’t!

My second issue is girls flirting with guys when they know they have a girlfriend. I’m assuming it’s an ego thing or an insecurity issue or they are just being a cunt. Sending slutty snapchats of yourself to a guy,  flirty Facebook messages or asking them ‘if your boobs look too big’ in that one-sized too small slut container dress. It doesn’t achieve anything and you make yourself look tacky and desperate. And so what if they guy flirts back with you, what do you actually achieve? I mean you haven’t won anything, you just got spoken to like a spunk dump for 5-minutes by a guy who clearly isn’t worth any girls time, if they feel the need to flirt with you whilst they’re girlfriends are oblivious.

Girls need to be nicer to each other, we all need to be nicer to each other regardless of what genitals we have. But come on girls, men are not our prize. If they need to be fought for, they are not worth it. Let’s not tell someone they’re fat to make ourselves feel thin. I was born with this face, it’s not great but I was born with it so i’m going to make the most of it. But over the years I’ve been told I’m goofy, my gums are bigger than the eiffel tower, I’m fat and my face is wonky – all by girls! I cannot help that I look like this, so sending nasty messages online (always online never in person obviously) won’t change that. How about instead of pointing out the worst in people, we look and comment what’s so great about them?

Now let’s bake a fucking cake and do a group hug ladies.

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Addicted to technology

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A rather hypocritical post on my part today, as I am guilty of all the things I’m about to complain about; and that is the importance and the reliance we have as a society on technology. Whilst I could not agree more that it has more than a billion advantages, I can’t help but notice how addicted to it we are. Our phones, laptops, TV and tablets. We spend most of our lives just mindlessly staring at screen, like life-less vegetables. I have met kids who are just given an Ipad to play on for hours on end, I know a 4 year old with a smart phone. I mean what the hell do children this young need their own phones for? What happened to letting them run outside and use their imaginations, inventing games or spending time with their imaginary friends. Now, you speak to a small critter and they don’t even respond to adults because their so engrossed in their technology.

Looking back at gigs I’ve been to or events, I am shocked as to how much of that I spent filming the music. Why couldn’t I just enjoy it? Why am I at a live gig watching it through a lens. I tell you why, so I can upload it to Facebook later to show everybody else. Who the fuck cares about some shitty quality video, which is mostly crowd noise  appearing on their timeline?  Is the experience worth having if we can’t film it, or share the fact that it happened with our social media companions?

It feels like nothing is just experienced anymore for the sake of experiencing it and feeling good about yourself. Like relationships for example. I hear oh so often, ‘oh is it Facebook official?’ So the only way to confirm your relationship is via the holy grail that is Facebook. Why do we care so much, surely the most important thing is the feeling between those two people, do they know they’re in a relationship? Yes of course, they’re the ones in it. Why does ‘Facebook official’ bear so much importance in establishing people as a couple? Because Facebook and Instagram are so prominent in our everyday lives, it feels like nothing is real, that picture you just posted of a beautiful tree that you saw whilst running through the park, followed by your work-out selfie is not what you look like. That tree didn’t look like that and your skin is not that perfect; it has just been filtered to fuck so that it’s not even real anymore. I went for an evening without my phone and I felt lost because I’m so reliant on it, when in reality I’m pretty sure I can go for an evening without  ‘new hair selfies’, ‘take this buzzfeed quiz’ or ‘someone needs to mind their own business, because someone needs to look in the mirror’ status’.  We don’t know the people behind their comments and status’, we think we know someone because they tell us about their day on social media – but we don’t really know them. We hide away in our rooms, thinking we are being social because we are interacting but what about the people sat around you?  When you’re sat with your family or friends and no-one is looking or talking to each other because everyone is staring at their phones. And at what? They’re staring at a load of selfies, humble brags and whinging. The people sat around you are the ones who deserve your attention, they are the ones who care enough to spend real-life time with you, yet people are ignored constantly because we are addicted to the internet.

**DISCLAIMER!!! I AM A HYPOCRITE! EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT HERE, ARE THINGS THAT I DO ON A REGULAR BASIS. I AM PROBABLY MORE GUILTY THAN MOST WHEN IT COMES TO BEING ADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA AND TECHNOLOGY, BUT I GUESS I  HAD NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT HOW CRAZY IT IS.**

**DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!!!!! WHINGING ABOUT THE SHEER ABOUT OF SOCIAL MEDIA AND USE OF TECHNOLOGY ON A BLOG – DOUBLE HYPOCRITE**460-652-thickbox

 

 

Summer diet in the city

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A bit like everyone else, I have realised that the summer weather is vast approaching huzzah! Festivals, summer dresses and holidays; I fucking love the sunshine. I know, i’ll dig out some of my summer garms and get in the sunshine mood. But what is this? Broken zip? No! It just wont fasten over the winter podge you decided to formulate over the colder months. Can anything burst your fluffy cloud quite like that? Doubt it. I feel like the sunshine has just snuck up on me without giving me time to to stop eating an entire family bag of onion rings to myself and shave my legs.

In dismay, I have hopped onto the scales and put a tape measure around my waist thus resulting in crying until I dry-heave into a multipack of pork scratchings. I have thrown my bikinis and short shorts on the floor and kicked the shit out of them, thus resulting in crying into a tub of haagen-dazs. Convincing myself that the scales are wrong and waltzing down to the super-accurate scales in boots, which confirm that you have gained a winter-coat that could provide the entire borough of Chelsea with Soap for year. Naturally you console yourself with a carrot cake from the meal deal section and make your way home to Google pictures of Emma Watson so you can curse at her and her skinny frame.

So, moving on from that. I have thrown out all the crap food in my house, banned myself from eating chocolate, crisps and crap. No pizza or takeaway shall pass these lips. Today I declined a cookie, my eyes stung with tears as I said ‘no, thank you’ but it felt good knowing that I had some sort of willpower. I shall now embark upon my super-healthy diet of leaves, dust and diet cola with mixed peppers for a treat (spoilt). It’s been not even a day of my diet journey and I already hate the world and want eat my own arm off. But, I will have my summer body back….. I want cake.

 

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Moving out of the city

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So this was my story six months ago. I had split up with my fiance of three years, moved to the big city in search of happiness and adventure. Living in Kensington, I believed I was going to have a schedule packed with dates, culture-soaked events and be a social butterfly about the city. Of course, this is not the case. Being the socially inept creature that I am, the outside scares me. I get bored in a museum alone, but don’t really want to have to talk and wait for people if I go with friends. After being in a small town where you struggle to find a human companion that hasn’t had his willy touched by at least five people within a 10-metre radius, I thought London would be a great fresh start. Again, I’m not so good at the social interaction part so after just one date and one hook-up my social retardness shone through and I went back to my kfc chicken infused bed fort…. alone. Then huzzah Tinder, what an excellent way to meet loads of interesting people, go on dates and to mascarade as fully-functioning member of the general public. I arranged dates…. I cancelled them all… re-arranged…. deleted them. Until my friend forced me to actually go through with an actual date and that’s where it started. I met the human bean and decided immediately I wanted to keep this hooman, deleted my Tinder account and decided to rip out my heart and bash it against this one until he loved me back.

I mean it worked. So now I have decided to moved out of London to High Wycombe to be with him. I know! I have deviated from the plan, I mean I’m not sure I ever hopped onto the plan train at all but this was the opposite of what I had ever intended. I guess when you meet the right person, it doesn’t really matter what everybody thinks or where you are. I’m fully-aware of how mental it is to completely uproot your life and give-up the big city dream for someone you’ve only known for three-months. But, I’ve actually never been happier in my life and it’s all because of this gremlin. I have never met anyone who can make me laugh like crazy and can deal with the fact that I will cry when I’m happy/sad/hungry/annoyed/suprised/basicallyallthethings. He is the perfect person for me, we can geek out and get drunk watching 80′s films before embarking on despicable and violent sex games which borders attempted murder. Also, I can still continue working at my job (which I love) and see my lovely friendlings as I’m only 30 minutes away on the rather spacious Chiltern railway (a welcome exchange from the rather snug and sweaty district line).

I guess the point of this post is… firstly a humble brag that I have found my lobster, secondly is to say that trying to rigidly stick to a plan could hinder something truely amazing and unexpected from happening. Don’t feel so bad about not hitting those life goals yet, because one day, one moment, one small thing could be the catalyst for something you never knew you could ever have or experience. I never knew I could be happy, my life has always centred around being miserable, unfulfilled and feeling trapped, so what do you do when you have nothing to complain about? When everything is perfect? Is it all too good to be true? Will I fall on face? I guess I’ll just ride it out and enjoy it whilst it lasts, because worrying doesn’t change a single thing.